Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Gays Out in the Military

By Lee Waites

Well, late last night it happened. They came out of the closet and I hid under my rock.

At midnight, Eastern time, the repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell took effect. I waited by my door with my homemade Molotov Cocktail. By the way, I don't think the inventor knew much about making drinks. It was horrible. My hangover started with the first sip.

I knew a drink would come in handy though. I wanted to be relaxed when all those homo soldiers started invading my house, Red Dawn style. Patrick Swayze, God rest his soul, must be turning over in his grave. There was a real man.To think, Patrick and those kids fought off the Cubans, renegade style, just to have our military handed over to a bunch of homos.

I knew this would happen. As soon as they decided that not asking and don't telling was off the table, the Gay Army was bound to take over the straight Army. I'm sure the soldiers will all have to get designer uniforms now. And the barracks will be redecorated. That might be a plus. Some new curtains, a splash of color.

Not like in my day!

I was a member of the KISS Army when I was growing up. We could have taken over the Army, Army. That would have been rockin'! Just imagine the pyrotechnics. General Gene Simmons. Admiral Stanley. That cat guy with the misguided solo career. Dude, that would have been great. And we could put on our make-up and platform shoes, our spike shouldered fatigues. Now that would have been something. Not gay at all.

Is the KISS army still a thing? We need to find out.

I waited through several cocktails, hunkered down. Eventually they waited me out. I fell asleep slumped over my teddy bear by the front door. I woke up this morning feeling horrible. I'm not sure if the gay soldier pride parade passed my house while I was sleeping. I was too bombed out to notice.

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