Sunday, November 4, 2012

Nation Threatens Nude Streak in Wake of Election Results

by Sean Hogan
Photo by ben [deleted] via Wikimedia Commons
If there is one thing watching the horrid performance art of politics (and a few dozen shots of gin) have thought me, it's that rhetoric is always apocalyptic. Most will tell you that there hasn't been an election like this in a long time. And that the steaks of this political duke-out are so high they make Johnny Wadd’s wad look like an infant on a cold day. And, when you consider, in your writer's humble ego-centric opinion, the poor choices we are presented this year I might almost believe them. At least I would if I didn't recall how the TV screens, like quadrennial clockwork, informed me in various ways that the election of two-thousand and blank could be the most important election before Americans. It seems that ever since Terrorism reared its ugly head (and perhaps before that) we've been trying to out-do ourselves in how serious the consequences for electing our national buffoo— I mean leader, is.
And during all this, we, the uninformed masses, hoop, holler and fling feces before, during and after watching election coverage. Blinded by the light, and revved up like a douchebag. Democrats, Republicans, Libertarians, Green-Partiers, Tea-Partiers, Anarchists and even them Commies all agree on one thing: if their candidate doesn't win the 2004— I mean 2008— wait, no… 2012 election then the country will simply fall apart. The terrorists will fill their turbans with even more firecrackers, the economy will crash (again), rich people and corporations will take everybody's money (again), the government will invade your privacy and take away your rights (again), anarchists will over-throw the government with spite-wads, Gay people might threaten marriage worse than actual marriages, people will run thrue the streets naked, houses will turn into drum barrel fires, you might have to work in the morning, and baby Jesus will bawl his eyes out until Rapture, at which time he will point to you and say “he's the one who made me cry, da-da!” Come the night after the election, you will look at the results, sigh, and go about your day-to-day life. Because you are a pawn in a government that you have no stake in, except to make a vague choice every two, four or six years when you get to pick from two groups of assholes with slightly different toppings. It will go on like this, because, when it’s all said and done, you really don't care enough.

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