Sunday, November 4, 2012

Nation Threatens Nude Streak in Wake of Election Results

by Sean Hogan
Photo by ben [deleted] via Wikimedia Commons
If there is one thing watching the horrid performance art of politics (and a few dozen shots of gin) have thought me, it's that rhetoric is always apocalyptic. Most will tell you that there hasn't been an election like this in a long time. And that the steaks of this political duke-out are so high they make Johnny Wadd’s wad look like an infant on a cold day. And, when you consider, in your writer's humble ego-centric opinion, the poor choices we are presented this year I might almost believe them. At least I would if I didn't recall how the TV screens, like quadrennial clockwork, informed me in various ways that the election of two-thousand and blank could be the most important election before Americans. It seems that ever since Terrorism reared its ugly head (and perhaps before that) we've been trying to out-do ourselves in how serious the consequences for electing our national buffoo— I mean leader, is.
And during all this, we, the uninformed masses, hoop, holler and fling feces before, during and after watching election coverage. Blinded by the light, and revved up like a douchebag. Democrats, Republicans, Libertarians, Green-Partiers, Tea-Partiers, Anarchists and even them Commies all agree on one thing: if their candidate doesn't win the 2004— I mean 2008— wait, no… 2012 election then the country will simply fall apart. The terrorists will fill their turbans with even more firecrackers, the economy will crash (again), rich people and corporations will take everybody's money (again), the government will invade your privacy and take away your rights (again), anarchists will over-throw the government with spite-wads, Gay people might threaten marriage worse than actual marriages, people will run thrue the streets naked, houses will turn into drum barrel fires, you might have to work in the morning, and baby Jesus will bawl his eyes out until Rapture, at which time he will point to you and say “he's the one who made me cry, da-da!” Come the night after the election, you will look at the results, sigh, and go about your day-to-day life. Because you are a pawn in a government that you have no stake in, except to make a vague choice every two, four or six years when you get to pick from two groups of assholes with slightly different toppings. It will go on like this, because, when it’s all said and done, you really don't care enough.

Romney's Brown Note


By Gendanken

Image courtesy of southpark.wikia.com
Over a decade ago, the geniuses of South Park popularized a little known legend in sound theory known as the “brown note.” It’s a pitch that when played at infrasonic ranges well bellow 20hz will cause humans to lose control of their bowels and, quite frankly, defecate and soil their unmentionables.

Science has proved this note doesn't exist and therefore slumbers away in the shadowy realm of superstition and lore. However, I say unto you, such a note does exist and the human ear is prey to its birth every 5 seconds, beating its nasty fist on the delicate film of the human eardrum every time Mitt Romney says “Jobs.”
That a man like Romney--who has perfected the art of the “leveraged buyout’ where equity firms like Bain Capital target and buy out a struggling company and force it to pay for its own purchase—that he is now speaking to the American people about the importance of “jobs” is  a hypocrisy wicked enough to crush bowels.

A leveraged buyout, or LBO, is a shill where debt is treated as currency and people like Romney can actually squeeze dividends from a giant liability hole that doesn't exist even as paper, where the first fat trimmed off the cut is the workers, their pensions, and their health insurance to improve the value of that company before selling it, a practice that leaves, by necessity, a nasty trail of layoffs and bankruptcy.

Why aren’t Americans livid?

The author now professes her ears burn at Romney’s baying about struggling Americans living in so and so, how he ate donuts with such and such at a diner in Canton where a poor widow poured out her dear little heart about being unemployed and how she now has pinworms because she can’t afford health insurance and how awful it made him feel that such a thing as a widow with pinworms even exists in God’s country. Who wouldn't soil themselves knowing that this man, who now cares so much about unemployed widows suffering worms, grew up in Bloomfield Hills? It’s an affluent suburb in Michigan, among the top 5 wealthiest cities in the nation, where he attended a middle school that had archways and giant manicured lawns sprinkled with sculptures.  Isn't middle school supposed to be a rite of passage where adolescence is ground in the jaws of social inequality and failure? For the bulk of humanity, middle school is a jungle, not a golf course. It’s where little boys and girls learn the gimmick of survival so they don’t grow up to stand in front of an Iowa state fair and bleat ignorant stupidities about “Corporations are people, my friend.” Because, and I quote :

Of course they are,” Romney said. “Everything corporations earn ultimately goes to people. Where do you think it goes?”

Not to that widow in Canton, my friend, and it certainly won’t rid her of worms. According to an article for the Rolling Stone written by Josh Kosman, the World Economic Forum came out with a study showing that of all the big buyouts that have taken place since the ‘80s, the biggest job cuts anywhere occur about the third year after an LBO and not in companies that have otherwise broke on their own and never been leveraged. This is because a buyout really isn't buying anything, but simply acquiring some thing to weaponize into a debt-churning machine that spits out returns to the investor spinning the wheel.  It’s like paying someone to steal your lunch money.

It’s quite insulting, really: the goal is not to create jobs at all, but to expand profit.

The key to that profit is debt, and to generate the returns that Bain Capital became famous for under Romney’s administration, the fundamental rule is that you always create as much debt as possible while investing as little capital as possible, reducing the personal risk to the “investor” while increasing as much interest as possible on the cheap loan. This means there really is no investment, per se, and therefore, no real economic value is actually generated; all resources are swallowed up paying off debt and if that company has no real assets to help cushion the ‘adjustment period’ for the long term, you've just given that widow in Canton the starring role in a Titanic where she gets to watch an ocean of blackness slowly swallow existence.

Before writing this, the tortured author sought to distance herself from the mealy rhetoric that boring liberals cut teeth on when it comes to Republicans. However, as much as she wanted to like the little boy who sat on George Romney’s lap and read newspapers as a toddler, the same little boy who walked up to shake Santa’s hand like a gentleman,  there is no getting over the nausea of watching a waxed corporate hound pretend he cares about suffering Americans looking for work. And there is no pill that can tighten one’s anus every time that prick says the word “jobs.”

The Bain of Romney’s existence is his private equity firm, and I look forward to another four years of fresh underwear.